Today I want to give up on my dreams
I’ve received a few messages from people who tell me they admire what I do with my webshop restfulmind.com. They tell me I inspire them and they see my hard work, which of course is wonderful to hear.
Because behind the scenes, it’s definitely hard work and some days I’m drowning in my fears of never reaching my goals and financial freedom. Today is one of those days…
The reality of my royalty-free music business
Making music all day, chilling at the beach, taking djembe lessons, and socializing, might be what you see in my Instagram stories most days. Sure I have days like that and I’m so thankful that life can be like this soothing. But honestly, most days I’m struggling to keep myself motivated, get inspired, and not give up. No one is checking in on me to see if I’m doing my work right. I can’t expect people to call me daily telling me they believe in me and that I should keep doing what I do. No, it’s just me fighting my worries every day, trying to keep believing in my own strength even when no one else does.
Yes, my webshop is a fact after lots of hard work on the website, license, and music, nowadays I’m actually selling music once in a while. But if you think it’s easy to make a living out of it, think again. Today I woke up feeling overwhelmed by stress. What am I supposed to do today? Make new music? Work on marketing? Hire someone for something? For what? Make new connections? Start new collaborations? I just don’t know where to start and what to focus on. I’m lying in bed, with what feels like a panic attack. I keep telling myself to breathe and after half an hour of breathing shakily, I decided that I’m allowing myself a day in bed. I need a break, I need chocolate and coffee…
My life is far from making music all day. It’s mainly about learning how to build a well-working webshop, how to get people interested, where to invest my money, how to gain confidence, how to feel more selflove, how to eliminate limiting beliefs and how to do marketing. I’m not complaining, because I actually enjoy those things, but today I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m not making enough money and I feel completely lost in my own creative mind that sometimes just can’t settle down in the material world. It makes me feel so alone, to have this vision that no one else sees and that I’m trying to make a reality all by myself.
I've lost my flow
The best feeling I know is in these moment when I feel I’ve got things ‘under control’, I’ve got a schedule and I know very well what it is I’m working towards. The moments when my energy is high and my thoughts are positive. What I’ve noticed is when I’m in a flow, people respond more positive towards my music and I’m attracting new customers.
Until something happens, like it did a few weeks ago when I came back to Egypt after the holidays. I got the flue, a bad one that I’m still not fully recovered from and I’ve been having trouble sleeping. So what happens then? I’m very low on energy, my thoughts are taken over by fears and I can’t find the inspiration for new music. Before I know it, I lose my ‘flow’ and it shows almost immediately in my results. Less interaction on social media, no customers whatsoever, collaborations are on hold and nothing seems to evolve.
I’ve got so much to catch up on and I ask myself: “How do I get back in the flow?” ‘What if I don’t earn enough money?” “What if the struggles are a sign that I should give up on this dream?” “What if people see me as a failure?” I can continue like this for a while…
It's part of the journey
To give you an image of my day so far: I’m lying in bed, with a red and puffy face from crying, tissues all around me, and some moments crying so much that it makes me embarrassed because I’m sure my neighbor must have heard. I really want some comfort food, but I can’t go outside like this. So instead I’m hiding in a dark house with the windows closed, searching through my fridge to find something unhealthy delicious in there. Thank god, I still had some falafel in the freezer that I combined with melted cheese.
Luckily I know myself and this is something that happens once in a while. I know if I just let it happen there will be another day when I feel released from my negative emotions and I start to feel enthusiastic again.
I know very well these days are part of the journey. What did I expect? A smooth road in front of me in which every day gets better and better? That would be very naive and that’s just not how life or success works usually. It goes with ups and downs. When you can trust the path it makes days like these a bit easier. The rest of this day I will probably be feeling sorry for myself, and I allow myself to do that. But tomorrow I will start my day with a different mindset and then it’s time to get back to it.
The morning after
It’s been a long time since I actually slept 8 hours. Wow, how can I feel so different after a good night’s rest? I decide to take advantage of the positivity and energy I feel. My day starts with getting some healthy groceries, then I’ll go to the gym, after that I have my fourth djembe lesson and in the evening I’ll meet some friends. It seems as if nothing has happened, but I believe it’s because of what happened yesterday. I feel how I released some of my fears and doubts and now I’m so much lighter. I can breath smoothly again even though the fears might come back after a while. That’s okay, because I trust myself to know how to deal with it.
Today I’m sure. I’ve got this!
Share your experience
Are these days familiar to you? Feel welcome to leave a reply with your story or advice on how you deal with days like this. If you’re struggling with this right now, I’m sending you my love and support.
x, Maura
Written by Maura ten Hoopen, founder and music producer at Restful Mind.