My heart is having surgery
And somehow, it's also expanding
My heart is expanding.
That sounds beautiful, doesn’t it? And it is.
But I want to share what it actually feels like to heal your heart.
What it takes.
Ouch.
Surgery
My healing journey has reached my heart. I can literally feel it.
The closest thing I can compare it to is open-heart surgery while being fully aware of it. As if my heart has been cut open so everything that no longer belongs there can finally leave. Grief. Sadness. Old pain. But at the same time it opens up love, joy, relief.
Everything rises at once.
One moment I’m crying, feeling a grief that goes beyond my own understanding. The next I’m overwhelmed with gratitude and love for my life and the people around me.
Then both at the same time.
And after a while when it seems to have calmed down, the procedure still hasn’t finished.
My heart is lying there, exposed on an operating table, waiting to be stitched back together. Vulnerable and raw.
Hoping the surgeon didn’t walk away after seeing what was hidden inside.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt this vulnerable before.
But then, just when I think the healing is complete, something else begins.
Expansion.
In a hospital bed
It feels like growing pains, but in the heart.
There is pressure.
Intense pressure.
As if my chest hasn’t caught up with the size of what my heart is becoming.
I become short of breath.
Every moment feels like too much.
As if my body isn’t able to cary this expansion yet.
It asks me to slow down a little longer, resting on the hospital bed while it’s integrating all the changes.
For days I just lie there, staring bored at the ceiling, feeling frustrated by how long it takes.
Until one morning I wake up with a sense of relief and openness, as if my chest has somehow become larger overnight.
My heart feels more alive and vibrating with energy.
For a while I get to enjoy this new state of being.
Until my heart decides to heal a layer deeper.
Breaking and growing
Throughout my awakening journey, with all its healing, releasing and feeling, I have never experienced anything quite like the opening of the heart.
It is something that you can only fully understand when you’ve lived it. The pain and beauty at the same time.
Love becomes more loving.
Sadness becomes more sad.
Grief becomes heavier.
Longing becomes stronger.
And as these feelings rise, waves of heat move through me. Flashes of fire that crack the heart open once again.
Another layer wants to be seen and felt. Another round in the hospital, trying to trust the process that clearly isn’t in my hands.
Yet beneath it all, there is a steady growing sense of happiness, lingering in the background.
A feeling of love that doesn’t disappear.
A love that feels bigger than the love I knew before.
Yes, my heart broke.
And because of that, it was given the chance to heal, to expand, and to grow bigger.
It’s still breaking. Bit by bit.
I am thankful for it—whether the surgeon comes back or not—because each time it brings a little more room for love to shine through.
Vulnerability opens a space where others can feel seen, and safe, ready to embrace who they truly are.
x, Maura
Written by Maura ten Hoopen, Spiritual Creator, Music Producer and Writer.
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