Stepping out of my comfort zone
In the past seven months, I’ve been going through the biggest internal transformation of my life. Kundalini energy has been guiding me through what some people describe as ego deaths. It’s reshaping my personality into something that feels closer to my true self.
This has been an amazing, but intense journey, where I’ve lived a quiet, internal, and mostly inactive lifestyle. I was scared it would never change, even though I realised it was necessary to take this time to feel and heal everything that came up. But over the past month, I noticed a shift. I’ve started taking more inspired action on things that truly resonate with me. These may seem like small steps from the outside, but for me, it is a huge change. These steps reflect the new alignment I feel with myself, and they’re bringing so much more passion and excitement into my life.
The inner work
In these seven months, Kundalini has pushed me to feel all the emotions I’ve been avoiding for so long. I realized how much I needed others to value me. Even when I made music and enjoyed it, the moment I shared it with the world, it felt like a failure if I didn’t get much response. Every step I took came from a place of fear and needing validation. I’ve put a lot of pressure on myself to achieve results quickly, and this made life stressful.
That’s not the way I prefer to live. But I’m so happy I went through these months of healing, because I feel so different now. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted from my body. For the first time, I can actually feel what my soul wants, not just what my ego thinks it needs.
Why this feels so uncomfortable
I’ve written some new blogs, created audio versions, and made my first course about my meditation practice. When I compare this to my past it feels so much smaller in a way. Back then I used to take big and bold actions. I performed on stage, DJ’ed at parties, and worked in large fitness clubs. And yet, the small steps I’m taking now, like writing and sharing my work online, feel much more out of my comfort zone.
Why is this? I believe it’s because the steps I’m taking now are much more connected to my true purpose and who I really am. As a DJ and personal trainer, I adjusted myself to fit an image I thought people liked seeing. And to be honest, it worked. People reacted very positively. But it didn’t bring me real happiness. It felt more like I was putting on a show.
I enjoyed personal training in some ways. I loved the one-on-one connections and coaching people. But I pushed myself too hard to keep up this image of being strong and healthy that I ended up getting sick with chronic fatigue. Now I truly enjoy what I’m doing, and I’m no longer trying to please anyone, but it’s also much scarier. It feels closer to my purpose and I’m aware that not everyone is going to like the new me. I’ve let go of the armor and the mask I used to wear. I’m not trying to be anyone else anymore. Instead, I’m just me.
The healing power of small steps
It’s interesting how difficult it was for me to create my first audio course. Something that could have taken a weekend ended up taking me two weeks. On the first few days, I tried to record, but my voice was trembling and dry. None of the recordings were usable. I tried to keep up with my own schedule, but I became frustrated when things didn’t go as fast and easy as I wanted.
Old stories came up in my mind: “See, you are not even capable of finishing one project” “People will dislike your soft, insecure voice”. This hit a nerve because my voice always felt like something that others could judge easily. To understand this insecurity deeper, you can read more in my blog: The roots of my wound in music.
After a few days of frustration, and no good results, I decided to do what felt necessary to break through whatever was holding me back. Instead of working harder, I sat down with my emotions and allowed them to come up. I cried until there was nothing left. Feelings of not being good enough, of not being able to create anything of value, left my body and I felt a huge space opening up in my heart and throat.
I kept working on the course, but this time, I took smaller steps, and I used the emotions that came up to heal myself along the way. Fun found its way back to me, by experimenting and improvising during recordings, instead of forcing myself in a timeframe.
Yes, it took me longer than I wanted to finish this course. But now I’ve learned how to create something that I find scary from a more calm state of mind. I’m no longer blocked by all the feelings of fear I used to carry, and I simply allow myself to flow with what feels right in the moment.
Passion and alignment
Even though I haven’t changed the world in a big way, I’ve healed so much in this process. Now, I can create from a completely different energy. When I wake up, I feel excited again, and all kinds of creative ideas flow through my mind.
The more I step out of my comfort zone, the more I enjoy creating and sharing, no matter the outcome. I’ve found my passion for life again, and every day I feel closer to alignment. What’s so interesting is that the more I create from joy, without focusing too much on external validation, the more positive responses I receive. It shows me how important the energy behind your actions is.
When you create from a place of joy and self-worth, you naturally inspire others. And that is the most beautiful part of this process.
"True fulfillment comes when the process itself feels like the reward."
x, Maura,
Written by Maura ten Hoopen, Spiritual Creator, Music Producer and Writer.
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