The roots of my wound in music
Since my Kundalini started rising, everything that needs to be healed and released has been coming up. Over the past few weeks, it’s all been about expressing myself through music. Yes, I’ve been creating music for years, maybe even my whole life, but truly expressing what I want to create is a whole different thing. After many painful experiences, I started creating only what I thought people wanted to hear, and I even stopped making music for a few years. What happened? I’ll explain my story below.
Compliments and acknowledment
Throughout my childhood, I was used to receiving compliments about my music skills. When I started playing the recorder at age 8, my teacher immediately noticed how quickly I was learning compared to the other children. Later, when I began guitar lessons, my teacher wanted to speak to my parents because he genuinely believed I should do something with my talent.
After that, I took a few singing lessons, and my teacher was so impressed that he suggested creating videos to help me become famous on YouTube. Over the years, I continued receiving compliments and great opportunities in music.
So how come I’ve been hiding what I truly want to express?
My nightmare came true in London
After receiving so many compliments, I took the bold step to move to London to study as a singer-songwriter. Getting accepted after my audition felt like a huge achievement, it made me believe that I must be good enough to grow successfully as a singer.
But once I started, I realized I had gotten myself into something that was more than I could handle. I was placed in a band, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t deliver the sound my bandmates wanted from me. My airy voice didn’t match their expectations, and they didn’t hold back their criticism. During one class, my bandmates openly complained about my voice in front of a lot of students, and it felt like the room turned against me.
I don’t remember my reaction, if I cried or ran away, but it was clear I didn’t belong. This was no case of trying harder, as I literally couldn’t give them what they wanted, no matter how I tried. With a broken heart, I moved back to the Netherlands, scared that my voice would never be enough. I felt so unaccepted, bullied, and outcasted, but I tried not to give up and get singing lessons.
My vocal teacher hated my voice
Back in the Netherlands, I really wanted to improve my singing. I hardly had any lessons before and knew nothing about singing techniques. My voice had always been soft, airy, and shaky. I didn’t mind this so much, but I wanted to learn how to sing in different ways to take my songwriting to the next level.
I decided to take lessons with a woman I looked up to. She had an impressive background, and her voice was the complete opposite of mine. Strong, bold, and technically perfect. To me, she seemed like the ideal teacher. But the lessons were difficult for someone with my voice. The techniques helped a little, but my voice still sounded like me. Airy, warm, and soft.
I’ll never forget what happened during one lesson. I tried my best to follow her instructions, but my voice stayed pretty much the same. She looked at me and said that my voice and way of singing annoyed her. It was too airy, and she hated voices like that. I was shocked. My vocal teacher, someone I admired, hated my voice. If even she couldn’t work with it, I thought, I must be awful. I stopped the lessons because it was too painful to continue knowing she hated it.
A performance I will never forget
Around the same time, I entered a student songwriter competition. Despite all my insecurities, I won. I was thrilled, especially because it gave me the opportunity to perform in more places. One of those performances was with a bass player who also worked with another singer-songwriter I deeply admired. Performing with him felt like a huge honor.
Unfortunately, my insecurities and my soft voice turned into an experience that has haunted me for years. As we started performing, I quickly noticed that the audience wasn’t interested at all. They were paying attention to the other bands, but completely ignoring us. I tried singing louder to get their attention, but the harder I tried, the worse it got. Soon, the entire audience was talking loudly, completely tuning us out.
You didn’t even have to be good at reading energy to feel the rejection. My confidence dropped lower and lower with each passing moment. It was awful to put myself out there, only to feel invisible and unappreciated.
The worst part came afterward, when I read an article about the performance. The writer noticed everything I had felt and he openly shared it for everyone to read that I was insecure and that no one was listening. More of these situations started happening.
He didn't believe in me
To make the feeling of not being good enough as a musician even worse, the bass player I was so honoured to play with wanted to share something with me. He admitted he didn’t think this was going anywhere. He didn’t believe it was good enough, and he didn’t want to spend more time making music with me and focus on projects he thought had more potential.
It was the last thing I needed to hear. My heart broke, because music had always been my greatest love. Even though I’d received many compliments over the years, it suddenly felt like everyone was turning against me. I felt completely ashamed and that no one wanted to hear what I had to share. That day, I stopped being a singer-songwriter.
Music production
Thankfully, all the rejection led to something else in music. I felt too vulnerable to create music with others, as they could reject me, so I decided to find a way to create music entirely on my own.
I got accepted into a music school called “Herman Brood Academy,” a place where some great music producers and DJs studied. It was amazing, because I finally got to create anything I wanted without needing a band to approve of me. And once again, I started receiving compliments. I did well in a competition, connected with great publishers, and had great opportunities to collaborate with successful artists.
But still, nothing major really happened, and the rejection I’d faced before continued to haunt me. Whenever I would achieve something, I got comments from people around me such as: “They only pick you because you’re a girl”.
I also remember going to this huge dance festival in Amsterdam, called ADE, where all the big producers gather. There was an opportunity to share your demo with well-known artists who would give you feedback in front of a live audience. I didn’t expect my demo to be chosen, but I submitted it anyway.
Unexpectedly, I had to leave early, and of course, my demo ended up being selected. Later, my classmates told me what happened. In front of a big crowd, the reviewers made jokes about my demo. They laughed and said my voice sounded so depressing that if they kept listening to it, they’d want to kill themselves.
Realizations
After experiencing so many rejections, I stopped creating music for years. I even stopped listening to music, because it hurt too much to face the dream I had let go of.
But after years and years, I grew. And most of all, I just missed it too much. I started creating again. I made music for small games, a YouTube series, and other cool projects. I also started a business called Restful Mind, where I created meditation and hypnosis music for therapists to use.
And yes, that all sounds good. But looking back now, I realize I was still hiding my authentic self. Restful Mind was a safe way to create music, because it wasn’t truly an expression of me. The same was true for the game and film music.
My Kundalini healing journey has been so painful for the last 6 months or so. But now I see it has been helping me to release the blocks and pain around showing who I am. It was about letting go of any need for external validation.
Creating music is a part of who I am, even if some people reject it or even hate it. And some responses are just there to reflect back at me what I need to heal inside myself. It’s easy to forget about all the people who do appreciate my work, because they exist too. I’ve been blessed with beautiful comments and appreciation from people all around the world. The truth is, the more authentic you become, the more it will become clear who aligns with you and who doesn’t. There is no person in the spotlight who doesn’t get hurtful comments ones in a while. It is all part of growth.
But most importantly, I’ve realized that it truly doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of it. What matters is that I am myself, without expecting anything. To show up and create from a place that is honest and true. From a place of love, not fear.
I believe I’m finally ready now. And if no one likes it? Well, it would be sad, but I know now I am worthy anyway. We all are. Being fully yourself no matter how people respond is the only way to ultimate Freedom.
x, Maura
Written by Maura ten Hoopen, Spiritual Creator: Music Producer and Writer.