The painful insight from a mirror
Looking inwards, searching for answers, for growth and insights is very important in my life. I’ve always had a yearning to understand people on a deeper level and specifically to understand myself. For years and years I’ve been reading books to enhance my personal growth, I’ve been seeing coaches, psychologists, tarot readers and anyone else who I felt could support this yearning for understanding. It surely helped me in so many ways, but the funny thing is that sometimes the biggest insights come in unexpected ways when you’re not even looking for it. This is my story about a realisation that has changed my life forever.
Looking in a mirror
I met someone. A man entered my life who helps me to become aware of myself. I get triggered by him in many ways which isn’t really new to me in a relationship, but this time it feels different, more challenging. For anyone who knows about ‘human design’ and believes the concept, he is a ‘reflector’ the 1% of the world who are here to reflect back to us what they perceive. He is someone who mirrors me in so many ways that it almost feels impossible to run away from my fears. Of course I have a choice, I can run away from him or distract myself, but I’ve done that for a very long time and apparently this was my time to see the truth. At least about one thing.
Brutally honest
That particular day, when I got triggered so deeply, I reacted from a child’s wound. I was crying, begging and getting angry, because I would not receive from him what I needed, till the point where I shouted: We’re breaking up right now! In a moment of emotional pain I made the decision for the both of us to separate. Sure there where some doubts already around this relationship, but making a decision like that from emotional pain is usually not sustainable. This is how doubts and regrets later can creep in. By the time I realised what I did, I was shocked, because in this moment I didn’t want to break up with him, so why did I do this? Why couldn’t I take time to look inside first and see what I truly wanted.
He looked at me and told me he was going to be brutally honest with me. I held my breath, trying to prepare myself for what was coming and I could feel my body shaking from fear. He told me how he felt manipulated by me breaking up with him when I didn’t really mean it and he felt similar situations happend before and it made it difficult for him to empathise with me. The way he said this felt so cold and detached, that I started shaking more, because I felt angry and I wanted to shout at him that he needed to change, to be more kind and to more loving, until something stronger took over.
A voice similar to my own, told me to be very strong and take in whatever was coming without defence. Then he said in his own words how he could see that I acted as a victim to get something from him, something that I should give to myself in the first place. He felt that I was pressuring him into giving me his attention or love, by crying or by saying things that I knew would trigger him, like the break up. I did not know how to feel, how to respond and we decided to take a day to ourselves for some rest and clarity.
The moment of transformation
This was one of the most unpleasant days in my life, but also one that I’m so thankful for. I had difficulty breathing, and it felt like my heart was beating out of my chest. At some point the feelings got so intense that my body couldn’t move any more, therefor I laid on the couch, trying my best to accept any feeling that was screaming inside of me to receive my own compassion and attention.
The thoughts that popped up in my mind, were mainly about him. How could he be so cold? How can he possibly love me and say such hurtful things? Why isn’t he just giving me what I want and need? I was so focused on him and by doing that I was not able to see the full picture, no matter if he was acting from a loving place or not. So I decided to get some rest and after I would call a friend for some advice.
Talking to my friend made me realise that this situation was there for me to grow. It wasn’t about him, it was about me taking care of myself. The moment I shifted the focus from him to myself, a big transformation happened in my entire being. I was shocked by it, because in just a second everything changed. I suddenly knew that this pattern my partner saw in me, was really there.
Seeing the truth
I asked myself, why did I break up with him so suddenly? I realized I was desperate at that moment and this was my last resource to hopefully receive some comfort from him or to just get rid of the intensity of my own feelings. Perhaps it would trigger him and he would change his ways and give me the love and understanding I craved so strongly. It was manipulation. I am not saying that his ways of acting were ‘good’ or coming from a loving place, and that the break up was a mistake. I’m saying that the most important lesson for me was to be aware of the intention behind my decisions. How I wish I acted was by embracing my pains and fears, and love myself so deeply that I didn’t truly need his love. From that space I could make a decision based on inner knowing instead of my emotions. We decided to take some time apart…
Expectations
During this day away from my partner I realised how much pressure I put on him for relying on him emotionally so often. I don’t think needing something or someone is wrong or right, but I believe if it comes from a deep wound it can never be fully satisfied until you’ve healed that wound first. What if some days he is gone for work, for family, or any occasion were I will have to deal with my own needs. Who will I turn to then? Will I run to a friend with the same expectations and manipulative tactics if they don’t have time or energy? Will I flirt with other men just to get some attention and feel loved?
I became very aware that this pattern of mine was not a healthy one nor was it helpful and it wasn’t fair to my partner to have these expectations. So I decided to dig deeper and see were this pattern was coming from.
My inner child
I remember when I was younger my sister told me that she felt I was playing a victim sometimes by being sick and being very expressive about that. Back then I didn’t want to see that yet, but now it makes sense. As a child I was sick almost every month and the doctors couldn’t find a clear reason why. I understand now that I was often misunderstood as a child and therefor had a big lack of emotional support. I felt the ‘odd one out’ in the family and I had difficulty fitting in with people in my surroundings in general. It became obvious that now as an adult I have a lack of emotional attention and a wound created by not feeling good the way I am and not deserving of love. My relationship is reflecting this back at me and this whole time I wasn’t aware that I first needed to heal this wound by myself and give myself unconditional love before I could attract a healthy relationship.
Current state
By understanding where this lack of attention came from, I can now feel compassion for myself and my behaviour, even when I feel ashamed to look at it. Since I’ve been sitting with myself during times of despair and I feel love for myself and accept all the intense energies inside of me, I notice my desperation is becoming less. I’m able now to see the moments when I’m not coming from an authentic place but from a place of lack so I can decide consciously if I want to react from my ‘child self’ or from my ‘higher self’. This way I have the chance to make my decisions in this relationship on a deeper knowing.
I’m sure I’ll act once in a while from my wound, but I’m proud of myself for being brave enough to have seen the truth and for the effort I’m putting into my awareness.
How about you?
Have you discovered any patterns of yourself that you have changed or would like to change? Please feel free to share your story and thoughts in a reply.
x, Maura
Written by Maura ten Hoopen, Founder and Music Producer at Restful Mind.