Letting go of the need for succes
Today, I feel like I’m going through what they call an “ego death.” It honestly feels like my heart is breaking, and it’s not a pleasant feeling. Somehow, this morning I woke up with all kinds of emotions rising to the surface. Feelings of failure, like my whole life has been pointless. I’ve had so many chances to really succeed, to be seen, and I feel like I messed them all up. At least, that’s what my emotions were telling me. Now, as I write this, I’ve moved through most of those feelings, and things are becoming clearer by the second. I’m starting to feel a freedom in my chest, as if I can finally breathe. Let me share with you what’s been going on.

Questioning it all
As I mentioned, I woke up, and suddenly emotions came to the surface. I went from feeling totally fine to feeling lost, almost like I couldn’t see the point of life anymore. It was intense, and honestly, it scared me a bit. Some of you might know I’ve been doing Dr. Joe Dispenza’s meditations for a few months now, which led me into a Kundalini awakening. This process helps you let go of old traumas and emotions. But then, I started thinking: How could I have messed up so many chances at success?
I was the first woman to graduate from a well-known school for dance music production in the Netherlands, and yet, nothing happened. I had connections with big music labels, released a few tracks, but then I stopped, thinking it would never work out. I started DJing and received a lot of positive feedback, but I decided to quit because it didn’t feel right. I studied physical therapy, worked as a personal trainer, made good money, and then got sick for a long time. I had to stop. I even started my own business selling royalty-free music, but then I wondered: Am I just doing this for recognition? Is meditation music really my purpose? If it is, why don’t I feel inspired to create more?
Facing the Ego's grip
After an hour of crying and reflecting on why everything seems to be happening this way, I started to notice patterns. At first, I thought: maybe I’m self-sabotaging. When I got close to success, I start to stress, and maybe that blocks things from happening. But as I dug deeper, I realized that was only the surface.
I asked myself: What would give me satisfaction in life if there was no chance of being successful? How would I want to spend my time? The answer shocked me. As I asked this question, my heart almost exploded with pain, screaming that it didn’t even want to live if I couldn’t be successful. I was mind-blown by my own ego and then remembered something from my birth astrology. In astrology, the South Node often shows traits from past lives. Things you were really good at, but need to leave behind in this life to follow your North Node. My South Node suggests that I was probably in the spotlight, famous, ego-driven, and creatively focused. All I’ve tried to achieve in this life, so far, is success or fame through my creativity and music.
Beyond the ego
I started to see clearly that everything I’d done in my life so far was rooted in my ego, even the things I believed I did out of passion and love for others. For example, my business selling royalty-free relaxing music. I never thought that my ego would be tied to this because it doesn’t seem “cool” or make you famous. But now I realize I still started this business with a deep longing to make it successful, instead of feeling like: this is what I love to do, and this is how I want to help people.
After a lot of crying and letting go of old patterns, I asked myself again: How would I want to spend my life if there was no chance of being successful? Would I still make music? Would I still work on this business? Only one thing came to mind that would bring me deep happiness. Helping others. Helping people who see themselves in my stories, who don’t quite fit in, who chose a spiritual or alternative path, and who feel alone and confused, like I often do. Helping them by creating a safe space to share their thoughts and worries, sharing my own authentic stories, even though it scares me and makes me feel vulnerable. The idea that this could make someone feel less alone and understood is what truly gives life meaning to me, without expecting anything in return.
Redefining Success
As I write this, I feel more and more relieved, like my heart is opening up. It’s as if a huge weight I’ve carried my whole life is finally lifting. How amazing would it be to live from now on by asking myself before I start anything: How can this help someone? Expecting no success, no fame, just imagining that maybe someone like me could find comfort or connection through what I’m creating. This is the new mindset I’m choosing.
But to get here, I really had to face the pain of letting go of my old self. Like I shared before, my old self didn’t even want to live if success or fame wasn’t part of my path. For me, success used to mean recognition, fame, and money. But I’m learning that success can also mean simply following your authentic path. Yes, I feel a bit embarrassed sharing this, and it makes me feel vulnerable. But that’s exactly why I’m sharing it.
A new beginning
For anyone facing life’s big questions like I have today, questions like: What is the point of all this? Why don’t I know my purpose? Why does nothing make me feel happy? I see you, and I understand you. It’s incredibly painful to go through this, but I promise you, when you get through it, it brings a huge sense of relief, and the answers will start to become clearer. Don’t be afraid to let go of the old you; it’s the only way to step into the new you. You are always welcome to reach out and contact me if you’d like to share anything, or feel free to write about your own thoughts and experiences in the comments. Sending you love.

x, Maura
Written by Maura ten Hoopen, Spiritual Creator, Music Producer & Writer